The Importance of Identities

Throughout my life, I think I've underestimated the power that identities have over us. Maybe not throughout my life; but definitely in the past 10 years or so.

Growing up, as a young mormon boy in Utah, i had identity taught to me on a weekly basis. I was a 'child of god' and destined to be loved by a heavenly father.

I no longer believe this at all, and I think a mistake I've made along the way is believing that I don't need an identity. I guess i thought it was beneathe me.

I don't think it's possible to have no identity. The human brain seems to crave it. It's part of our social programming, we want to belong in society, and so we need some form of identity to feel at peace and okay with life.

Identity Seems to Determine Our Reality

Identity is a strange thing. It really seems to inform our beliefs, thoughts, actions, and therefore our reality.

Put another way, identity is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I believe I'm something, that will often lead to me becoming it, or at least changing my behavior to match.

There are many examples in my life where this has happened:

• as a missionary in Guatemala, I saw myself as a passionate learner of Spanish language. This led to me not just learning what I needed to teach people jesus stuff, but to really master the language, from formal speech to the local street slang. This stayed with me when I studied Latin American literature and history of Spain (taught in Spanish) in uni. Simply believing I'm a passionate Spanish learner has strongly enriched my life.
• From August 2022-2023, I went to the gym 2-3x per week for the first time in my life. In the beginning, I dragged myself there (I was paying money for a personal trainer then), but after a few months, I was now just a "person who goes to the gym and enjoys it". For the first time in my life, I felt good in front of the mirror, my posture felt good, and I was getting toward my target weight.

Sometimes Who We Think We Are Isn't How Others See Us

Something I've realized as I've aged 😿 is that it's important to see ourselves how others see us from time to time.

At my last job at Springboard Digital, the first year or so, I saw myself as a person who was fundamentally introverted and not meant to be so social. After all, that's why I had taken the role; they said I wouldn't have to talk to clients. So I leaned into that, I saw myself as a techie, non-human-interaction person.

But I soon realized others didn't see me that way. My version of reality was at odds with... reality. I was working downstairs at our sister company, taking different 'strategic' colleagues to lunch, and in social situations I was well-integrated with 20-30 people who wanted to chat with me.

One of our client managers was on leave for a bit, and I took over client comms. Someone from the team seemed surprised by this, and it made me do some introspection. I actually enjoy talking to people. I've had many jobs where I was on the phone a lot, or retail, and things like that.

One quieter team member on a big brewery after-work activity finally asked me for advice talking to people, and that's when I realized that I needed to really see myself from the outside to look more objectively about reality. My "reclusive tech nerd" identity wasn't particularly useful, and it was at odds with my behavior.

So I dropped it.

I've Seen People Hold On To Theirs

When I was a 'digital nomad', I made friends who were clinging dearly to their identity as a digital nomad.

I have friends who still do. I think that's okay.

There are a few who I think should change it. They're approaching their 40s with no real money to their name. Of course they have 'experiences' but I don't want to get to a point at 70 when I have no money to retire and just a list of experiences to look back on.

There's got to be a balance. I think there's no reason digital nomads can't make 'real' money, but honestly a lot of the ones I know barely scrape by.

One friend stands out to me, as they ran out of money a few years ago, their friends lent them enough for a ticket home, gave them a room in the house to stay, and then this person wouldn't even work a basic job to pay them back for their f*cking generosity. They told me this story like they were in the right here, and I remember just dying inside at how insane that is.

Ironically, it was the nomads who weren't letting 'digital nomad' be the defining core of their identity that were really making the real money.

Identity Can Be Artificial

Something I've realized more recently is that you can "hack" your identity. Not in some crazy complicated way. Hell you're probably already doing it.

If we give ourselves an identity, we can become that. Fake it til you become it, as Brene Brown famously said.

I'm learning Mandarin Chinese right now. An identity I've given myself (due to a fantastic video by Mandarin Blueprint's Luke) is that I'm person who is fascinated by Chinese. Seeing myself in this way makes learning a lot more fun, because it feels like I'm discovering, not just reviewing my flashcards. Then it leads to more in-depth learning. I find myself reading up on Daoism, folk religion, Buddhism, all which help me understand the ways of thinking used here in my new home in Taiwan.

I think "artificial identity" is well-understood at this point. People do these "manifestations" in front of the mirror, and find it helpful to repeat daily.

At this point, I'm not doing that. Maybe I should. It's so wide-spread, that there must be something to it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Worth a thought I guess.

What Identities Do I Want?

There are a few.

• athlete: I want to get more active, especially in road cycling and the gym. So I want to see myself as someone who enjoys exercise, who doesn't see it as a chore but enjoys it.
• entrepreneur: I'm starting a business. It's hard. But I think if I see myself as an entrepreneur, I will act on what I need to do to get the business off the ground.
• good boyfriend: If I see myself as a good boyfriend, I will take action to live up to that. I will give what I need to in my relationship.

What Identities Do I (maybe) Want To Let Go Of?

I think there are a few damaging ones.

• failure: I sometimes see myself as a failure. I wouldn't say I've "failed" more than the average person, but I'd like to understand how to use it as motivation instead of demotivation.
• lone wolf: I don't have many friends now that I moved away from most of them, and seeing myself as destined to be lonely is keeping me from making more. I'm trying to eschew seeing myself as a "lone wolf" in life. I saw some value in that identity in my late 20s (it helped me enjoy time with myself and become much less dependent), but now the real me knows I'm a social creature and get a lot of value from friendships.
• musician: I don't want to let go of this as much as I'm just not practicing anymore. Other people seem to be more panicked about this than I am. I'm okay with finding other outlets for my creativity. If I feel like making music again, there's not a barrier to entry (and I still have a tiny ukelele).

Obligatory Kylo Ren:

Anyway, l long and rambling (but that's what journal entries are for). I didn't tell you to come here. Go touch some grass.